Grayson Joslin is a third-year journalism major and writes “Soapbox” for The Daily News. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the newspaper.
During the holiday season, it feels that everywhere I look, I am overwhelmed with holiday music, decorations and just the overall jovial nature of the holidays.
And though this time feels like it must be happy — and live up to its namesake — I find it to be a very tough time year after year. There’s this pressure to push aside my own negative feelings — my grief that bubbles to the surface around these holiday months — and match the holiday spirit.
In reality, the holiday season is the time of the year I look forward to least. I don’t listen to holiday music, watch holiday movies, or even go out and shop during this time of the year.
My papaw had been my stand-in dad since I was born.
I spent a significant portion of my childhood with him. From sitting down on the floor and watching cartoons together, running around the garage while he worked on his Ford truck he loved so much or putting together a five-in-one music system on Labor Day weekend, my formative years were spent with him.
Which is what made his passing so heartbreaking.
On the last day of the fall semester during my eighth-grade year, my papaw had a massive heart attack after his nighttime shift. He died at just 60 years old, one week before Christmas.
It didn’t feel real. I had just seen him a few days before. In my mind, it was like he couldn’t possibly be gone.
And after all these years, it still doesn’t feel real.
After that somber holiday season, I hoped the next would provide me with some healing and some holiday fun. But that wasn’t the case.
My mom, who used to be an avid smoker just like my papaw, had a heart attack around Christmas time. And just like him, she had it in the early hours of the morning.
We found out later she had 90 percent blockage in one of her heart valves, making it a very close call.
After staring death in the eye, she decided that day to quit smoking and work hard to get herself into healthier shape. But the fact that I came so close to losing my mother leaves me awake sometimes.
What would I have done if I had lost my mom at the age of 14?
I lost my grandpa, my true father figure, and almost my mother in back-to-back holiday seasons. More than a third of people don’t see the holidays in a positive light because of the loss of a loved one, according to a 2021 joint poll by Experience Camps and The Harris Poll.
With each December 13 and 16 that passes by, I remember two of the most challenging days of my life.
It was around the time of my papaw and mom’s heart attacks that I started to feel depressed during the holidays.
The switch from elementary school to middle school and the toll of that transition were very tough on me.
In this sink-or-swim situation, I sank. I wasn’t able to find a tight-knit community among my peers. And whenever the holiday season came around, I often felt left out of my classmates’ holiday plan discussions.
Instead of spending time with family, making snowmen or watching “Elf,” I retreated into my bedroom, not wanting to come out.
Every year, I just want to go through the holidays as fast as humanly possible. I want them to be done and over with.
I am autistic, and being around the holidays means I am expected to spend more time with my extended family.
I love my family and I enjoy getting to spend time with them, but having all of them together overwhelms me to the point of emotional exhaustion.
Family gatherings are like everything else during the holidays: loud, busy and overwhelming. Going to Walmart and hearing the Salvation Army bells across the entire parking lot already overstimulates me, but going inside to see the aisles packed with people makes the experience worse.
I enjoy my peace and quiet, and it feels like I just can’t get that most of November through December.
It is okay to not look forward to this time of year, to not be swept up by the perpetual optimism and joy common during the holiday season.
For some of us, it reminds us of loss.
Even though it has been seven years since my papaw died, I am still trying to come to terms with him being gone. I find myself looking back at all the situations where I could have looked for his advice and wisdom, and I didn’t or couldn’t. He never went to college, but I’m sure that he would’ve given me some guidance on where I am at this point in my life.
Sometimes I need that guidance more than ever.
The emotions and challenges that can come up around the holiday season are very tough to navigate, but it is okay and valid to be feeling the lows of those emotions.
What I have realized going through this time of year is how important it is that I take care of myself and not give in to these societal pressures. Realizing that, and understanding my limits, have taken off some of the pressures with the holidays. And I’m content with that.
Contact Grayson Joslin with comments at Grayson.joslin@bsu.edu or on X @GraysonMJoslin.
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