Chloe Fellwock Rebecca Slezak, DN

Chloe Fellwock is a freshman advertising major and writes “Full Dis-Chlo-sure" for the Daily News. Her views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper. Write to Chloe at cfellwock@bsu.edu. 

Springtime is coming, Ball State, and I’m getting excited for the puddles, flowers and being able to go outside without risking the loss of a limb due to a polar vortex. But, my friends, this all comes at a price. 

Happiness doesn’t come cheap. Everyone is paying for it; I see it all over campus. 

I’m talking about the geese. 

Usually, I don’t mind geese, I love animals! From a distance, they’re beautiful and I’m sure they do something important for the ecosystem. Most of the time, they don’t even bother you if you keep your distance and don’t try to sneak up on them and poke them, as I saw a group of people do outside of Woodworth a couple weeks ago. Yeah, I saw you. 

People all over have been posting about them on social media. I want to thank these people, by the way, for helping me plan my routes to class. Your service has been valuable because students and faculty are scared. I have one friend who doesn’t fear geese, and honestly I fear him. 

Even when I try to keep my distance, there are times when I can’t escape interaction with a goose, and every time I feel unsafe. When I searched the Canada goose, do you know what they were called? A “nuisance bird.” Nuisance is a vast understatement. 

I can’t tell if it’s better to avoid eye contact and do my best to hide the terror in my heart, or to stare it in the eye the whole time so as to avoid a sneak attack and establish a non-threatening dominance. The latter was what I chose this morning; there was no mercy or love in those cold, coal-like eyes, and I’m certain there never will be. 

So if UPD Is reading this, I have a suggestion: I want a course on handling interactions with these nuisance birds. Approaching tips, hostage negotiation, self defense, everything. Because I’ll be honest, if a goose ever gets closer than three feet I can – and will – cry. But, I don’t know what else to do at this point. 

How can I defend myself? A goose could beat me up. It would fight dirty too, like someone who’s already been shanked and survived. 

Are geese protected? They’re not endangered, I searched it. 

At the risk of sounding like men on the internet during discussions of gender equality, can I punch one? I have pepper spray, is that allowed? Again, I love animals, I wouldn’t want to hurt a goose! But if necessary, I will take action. 

Please, UPD. My friends and I are scared. If these all-terrain monsters with teeth eat all of us and we have no way to fight it, what will Muncie have left? 

I await your response, thank you.