Michelle Kaufman is a freshman journalism news major and writes "Kauf Medicine" for the Daily News. Her views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper. Write to Michelle at mekaufman@bsu.edu.
This year was the first year that my seasonal affective disorder turned into full-on, two-month depression. People have always told me that they wonder how I can be so happy all the time. So what happens when the happy, outgoing girl is struck with depression?
Depression is the opposite of joy. I felt like I had lost parts of my personality somewhere, but I had no clue where to find them. I felt numb, and it was a heck of a lot easier to go from mediocre to sad than mediocre to somewhat happy. I didn’t want to leave my room, and, often, I just wanted to be alone and cry.
I think it was a combination of the cold weather, the stress of a new class schedule and my work at the Daily News. Yes, looking back I believe that what I want to do with my life led me into the darkest period of my life. I love journalism and the people I work with more than anything, but I put too much pressure on myself. Journalism is a demanding career that doesn’t take breaks. I have developed a “if no one else picks up that story, you should be the one to pick it up” mentality. I am also a people pleaser, so the combination of those two factors led me to take on too many assignments.
Lots of stories, plus homework, plus trying to have a social life led me to become overwhelmed and eventually gripped me and pulled me into depression.
I didn’t know how to tell my editors, or anyone else for that matter, that I was depressed. I had worked so hard to build up an image of a hard-working, dependable reporter, and I was scared of what they would think of me and what would happen. Heck, I was scared of what was going on with my own body.
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I was wondering where the old Michelle had gone. The numbness clouded my brain and schoolwork sent tornadoes through my head. Was the stigma that I always read about beginning to affect my relationships? I’ve heard the way to end stigma is to talk about it, so here’s my advice if you are struggling with depression:
1. Don’t be afraid to tell people.
I was nervous to tell people that I was depressed both because of their possible reactions and because of its stigma. I sent out an email to some of my closest friends and told them what was going on, and I told other people in person. The responses were varied. I was amazed by all the texts and emails that came after I told people. They were encouraging and some even contained advice. My friend gave me a book that he had helped write that contained stories about others who have gone through depression. But there were also other people who didn’t get it, and that’s OK. I would still encourage you to tell people. Maybe not everyone you know, but I promise you that dark times bring out friends who will support you through it. And you never know how encouraging people can be without the dark.
2. Be honest.
It’s OK to not be OK. Lying about how you are all the time can be exhausting. Sometimes it’s a preventative measure, but with people that you know you can trust, it can be therapeutic to take off the mask. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but just letting people know it’s a rough day can help.
3. If someone tells you they’re depressed, don’t freak out or treat them any differently.
That was one of the biggest things that helped me. I expected people to be shocked and confused when I told them I was depressed. Instead, I was met with sympathy and “normal life” went on. I was still me to them. I could occasionally still crack jokes and hang out in the newsroom.
I’m not recommending that you tell the entire world that you’re depressed, but talking about it can alleviate the feelings of isolation that come with depression. Counseling is another common suggestion that has helped people in the past. Personally, I find it easier to talk to my friends about issues instead of a complete stranger or family member. Depression isn’t an easy thing to deal with, but there is hope. There is always hope, even if you can’t see it in the midst of the depression. I didn’t see it for weeks and started to question if things would ever get better. It's a fight to get better, but in the end, your struggle will make you a much stronger person.
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