Elliott DeRose, DN
Full Dis-Chlo-Sure: I actually enjoy black coffee
Black coffee is not the enemy
Chloe Fellwock is a freshman advertising major and writes “Full Dis-Chlo-sure" for the Daily News. Her views do not necessarily agree with those of the newspaper. Write to Chloe at email@example.com.
Have you ever told someone that you like black coffee? It’s astounding how quickly people turn on you. All at once there’s murmuring, indignant outbursts, questions about “how things are going at home.” It’s what I imagine the Salem Witch Trials were like. I’ve been a big fan of black coffee for a while, so by now I’ve gotten used to the chaos.
My first experience with black coffee happened at a fish fry when I was in grade school. My dad had gotten a cup on the way back to the car and asked if I wanted a sip. I said I did and immediately spit it into the nearest bush, but I’ve since grown stronger.
After that, I exclusively drank the most milkshake-esque excuses for lattes until high school, when I realized there would never be time to wait around for a whipped-cream topped “good cop” to help me finish my assignments. So I made up with the necessary “bad cop” I had previously hated and got to work. By my senior year, I could drink what others may have called “raw coffee” and feel nothing. It was incredible. So yeah, nothing anyone can say about my caffeine choices can boil my bicycle anymore.
Soon, I will have another writing extravaganza, just like many of you. Finals week is coming up, and my coffee will be dark as the circles under my eyes. Maybe yours will not, and that’s OK! If it gets you to May 3, and it’s not illegal, do it! But I do ask on behalf of all my fellow black coffee lovers that you be kind. Please don’t criticize my coffee. Neither of us have time for that chaos, and it’s just a beverage.
And it’s not as though I don’t enjoy the sweet, fancy stuff. I do! And I don’t approve of people who act like anyone’s order at the coffee shop makes you “basic” or dumb. If that gets you up to go listen to someone prattle on about time management while not having your assignment from 10 years ago graded at 8 a.m., do it!
I don’t approve of people acting like enjoying black coffee is a personality trait, either. Drinking black coffee with a laptop nearby doesn’t make you a writer, Greg. And it doesn’t mean your music taste is better either; everyone has heard of The Smiths. Yet, when I say I like black coffee, it’s, “Ew, it’s so bitter!” “I heard people who do that are more likely to be psychopaths!” “Why do you enjoy pain?” “Is your soul just a void?” To these people, I would like to answer a few questions:
First, yes, I’m aware that it’s bitter, and while I’ve grown accustomed to the taste, that was never what this was about. Coffee has always been about writing a 10-12 page paper in one night. I’m just the main guy in the action movie who fell in love with “The One Female Character.”
Second, you’re not a psychologist. My soul and its void-like qualities are coincidental, not that that’s any of your business. And if I were a psychopath, wouldn’t it be in your best interest to stay in your lane? Sip your milkshake, Sister Sue.
Do I enjoy pain? No. What I do enjoy is living my best life during the days leading up to my all-night writing extravaganzas and never worrying about an “outline.” I don’t think I’ve planned an essay since fifth grade.
In the coming weeks, this procrastination will catch up to me. That’s OK! I know it’s coming. I will take on the challenges with my black coffee and remain unperturbed regardless of people’s apparent outrage over my beverage choices. And since we’re all in this together, I suggest you do the same.