As the temperatures drop and I begin to endure my fourth Munciewinter, one thought in the sea of perversion that is my mindprevails above all others: this will be my last Muncie winter.
The bear trap we call Muncie is loosening its grip; I will makeit out in four years. In six months, barring a cruel professor ormy own untimely death, I will leave this town and (I hope) thisstate forever.
Fortunately, Ball State University has provided for me. Thanksto its core curriculum, Freshman Connections and my requisitewalking class, I am prepared to become a full and complete adult.There is no doubt in my mind that the time I spent retakinghigh-school-level English and remembering the sagittal crest ofAustralopithecus robustus was well spent. Otherwise I would havewasted my time learning the deeper intricacies of my chosen fieldof study.
Thank you, Ball State. I now have an intimate connection withthe soul of the Midwest; I have been bred for mediocrity, and Ifinally fit in. I have a newfound appreciation for the Indianapolismusic scene, Muncie Gras and the Heartland Film Festival because Iunderstand them now. I am Hoosier; therefore I am.
Despite my newly discovered, passionate love for nondescriptMidwestern culture and contentment, I must now leave it. You see,me and my friend "George," we have a dream: California.
California is warm and sunny. You run into celebrities inbathrooms all the time in California, I hear. Every girl isgorgeous there, and most of them are Japanese. Also, the roads arepaved with cheese.
See, George and I, we're just working on this here ranch untilwe get a good stake, and then we're going to pick up and move toCalifornia. We're going to work in the movies.
By "work in the movies," I mean "work at a Wal-Mart inCalifornia" at first. We'll bide our time until we manage to getminimum wage production assistant jobs.
We will pour a lot of coffee.
We'll just pour coffee until we can't stand pouring coffee nomore, and then, when we have us an even bigger stake, we'll takeout a loan and rent some equipment and make our own movie. Thenwe'll sell it to a distributor and get famous and rich. After that,we live off the fat of the land. It will all be smooth sailingthen, yes sir.
When I am sitting on top of the world, I'll owe all my successto Ball State. It really did have everything I needed.
In these last four years, Ball State has accomplished amazingthings with just a few million dollars: a giant brick phallus and anurse with a Web cam. With these grand accomplishments, can therebe any doubt that my cohorts and I are the top 5 percent of ournational graduating class?
Yup, George and I, we're going to be famous movie directors. Itwill be oh-so-hard to leave our comfortable, everyday Indianalives, but a man has got to do what a man has got to do.
And when George and I get to California, he's going to let mefeed the rabbits.
Write to Mouse at bbmcshane@bsu.edu
visit www.classicalgeektheatre.com
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