Evil is loose again.
Soon, packs of children will dress in costumes and roam our neighborhoods carrying bags of candy (or pipe bombs) hither and thither. Soon, children will ring your doorbell until the button bursts into flames, thereby igniting every costume within a 5-foot radius. Alas, very soon, innocent children will be disappointed when evil door owners the world over hand out Dreaded Things that Suck:
Apples -- In most countries, apple distribution is still legal. In America, however, this practice is actually punishable by hanging. There are some circles of children who believe that apples are the bane of Halloween and will ultimately lead to the death of this holiday. I created most of those circles when I was a child.
Raisins -- Many old people still believe otherwise, but raisins are not candy. Lead the children not into chocolate, but lead them into boxes of Sun-Maid Brand Snack Size Raisins. I have a great idea for this -- hand out Raisinets instead.
Mmm ... chocolate.
Peanuts -- Fools! Do you not understand? Fie on your peanut distribution! Give us this day our daily Goobers! Give us the Payday we demand!
Popcorn balls -- Halloween is not the time for home cooking, and whoever invented these should be pelted with their confections until welted and sore. Put away your pots and pans and whatever other utensils are involved in popcorn balls. Children do not care about your culinary ability, they just want to binge on candy until their bellies rupture and nougat suddenly spews from their ears. Popcorn is not a candy; it is a fruit.
Pennies -- Who thought of this? Infidels! Kids don't want pennies! Kids want candy, not change freshly dug out from your couch cushions. Break down and take your pennies to the candy store and buy some Nerds. (Note: Someone told me this penny practice has something to do with UNICEF, but as that seems to involve research, I screamed and ran away to my safe place.)
Miniature Bibles -- Sometimes known as religious tracts, these tiny books of verse and scary cartoons still make it off the porches of the righteous and into the bags of the doomed. Being that Halloween is a pagan holiday, one can actually catch late night children's rituals most likely involving dancing and fire. I'm telling you, these rituals are rampant and are probably going on in your back yard right now without your consent. If you do not believe in Halloween, you probably have excellent dental work, and I applaud you, even though you're no fun.
Razor blades -- In my time, I have only known one child who shaved, and he was held back several times and often beat people up. Sadly, there are still sick people out there who tamper with treats by including razor blades. Luckily, most razor blades are in apples, which suck.
Those peanut butter-ish candies wrapped in orange and black wax paper -- For the sake of humanity, please cease the manufacture of these candies before they kill again. There is nothing on Earth worse than these candies. That is, unless you are doing home improvement -- in which case, they come in very handy. Just ask Bob Vila. He's in the bathroom caulking the tub. But I digress. These candies are so revolting that I waited until the end to discuss them. I only hope someone in the candy industry heeds my call.
These "treats" are not treats at all. Children will curse your name and target your home for destruction. Your mailbox will not survive the night. Eggs will rain down on your paint job. You will wake up on All Saints' Day and I will be standing at the end of your driveway, marveling at the unsightly results of your inability to distribute what children want.
Be warned. Evil is closing in to seal your doom.
Write to John at kingseyeland@hotmail.com
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